You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
