all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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