He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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