did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
