I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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