i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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