If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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