if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
