how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
