3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
