it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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