im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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