i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't deserve a penis
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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