hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
