drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
