If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
