Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
