Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
