Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
