Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
