uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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