He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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