my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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