I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
