Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
high people should be assigned attendants
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
