I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
