Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
