I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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