Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
