I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
