what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
