oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
worst night to have a conscience
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
