The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
