My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
