Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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