do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
