Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
