just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
