Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
