The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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