did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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