He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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