I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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