How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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