sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
