My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
