my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
