It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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