the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
