just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
