THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
