Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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