I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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