god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
