i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize