I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
