There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
