Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
